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New JOKES; Let's keep'm clean
Topic Started: Mar 12 2007, 03:55 PM (36,840 Views)
squezzed
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Fantastic
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Subject: Please Help Me Understand



I am writing to you to ask for your help in shedding light on a perplexing situation I find myself contemplating.



Over the years, we have all observed the seemingly random factors that affect all of our lives, sometimes without apparent rhyme or reason. We have seen some marriages dissolve over nothing and others grow stronger under adverse conditions. We have seen fate play a role in who survives critical illnesses and who succumbs to them. We have all seen good people suffer great misfortunes while some people of low character thrive. In our lifetime, we have seen Churches and Religious institutions all around the world become revised, televised, energized and even scandalized. We are all well aware that a higher power has control of nearly all things.



I have studied sacred writings of all major religions searching for an answer, and now I pose the question to you.



I cannot fathom that the highest power in this universe could take

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. Anna Nicole from us and leave Hillary behind....


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JohnWayne&BruceLee.Fan
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There was once a hillbilly farmer from down south(Iowa I think),he had this terrible naggy old bag of a wife.Everytime she would get on his case he would hitch up his mule and go plow the back 40.One day she followed him out there and was just chewing him out.Suddenly the mule turned and kicked her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, several of the neighbor ladies would come up and talk to him.He would just nod his head in agreement and they would leave.Then the husband's would come up to talk and he would shake his head no,and they would leave looking upset.

After watching this for over an hour the Preacher finally went and asked him why he agreed with the women and disagreed with the men.Well, he said ,the women were saying how nice my wife looked and the men wanted to buy my mule.
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The Punisher
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there arent any women reading the stuff in the general section is there?Well here goes.


2 blondes locked their keys in the car.They tried to pick the lock but finally had to use a rock to break the window."That was close" said one of them,"it looks like rain coming and I had to put the top up."

what do you call a smart blonde?

a golden retreiver!


what did the blond do when she heard 90% of accidents happen in the home?

she moved!





what do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?


you keep hearing about them but never see any!
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mat tape
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how about this one:
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
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sweepsingle103
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heres a blond joke:

So a blonde had to go "number 2" while she was walking near a cornfield oneday. So she squats down and does her business.

Her friends think it would be funny to play with the blonde's mind a little. So they kill a rabit and put the guts where the blonde "went number 2".

minutes later the blonde runs to her friends and says "you wont believe what just happened, i just craped so hard, my guts fell out... but thatnk God and these two fingers, i shoved them back into place."


P.S. that one will give ya nitemares!
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lpkRogers
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My bride is an adorable brilliant blonde, so slow down fellas.

Here goes.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young
men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too
concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an
experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table
three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whisky.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and
when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he
picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and
what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be abusinessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.

"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!
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Kahuna
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Broke Back Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted
to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with
his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.


The next morning they asked, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a
man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed."Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long...
;)
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lilmatdog
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Maybe not a joke but these are good to watch.

Why women hate sports

Big Deck
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squezzed
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lilmatdog
Mar 18 2007, 07:18 PM
Maybe not a joke but these are good to watch.

Why women hate sports

Big Deck

:D :lol: when you spill on your deck, the DOG will lick it off. B)
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lilmatdog
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:D :lol: ................ :huh: :unsure: :blink: ............... :angry: :angry: ......... :( ................... <_< ;)
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Kahuna
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lilmatdog
Mar 18 2007, 07:18 PM
Maybe not a joke but these are good to watch.

Why women hate sports

Big Deck

I saw the Jeff Foxworthy show that aired that track (pretty good) but hadn't seen the other vid. before. Hilarious! I forwarded the link to a few friends! ;)
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sweepsingle103
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ok, i got another one...
im gonna keep this clean, the origional has lots of swearing in it.

So this man got in a car accident and need medicle attention. The doctors gave him many pain pills which also made him feel as if he had to ((poop)). So every night he would get up... and every night would be a false alarm.

One night he felt the urge to ((poop)). but he knew it would be a false alarm, so he just stayed in bed. Well, it wasnt a false alarm and he ((poop))ed all over the sheets.

he wuickly bundled them up, and threw them out the window before anyone would notice what he had done...

5 stories below a drunk homeless man was sleeping on a bench when the sheets landed on him. He stood up punching, cursing, and yelling at the sheets. Then an officer stops him and asks "what just happened?"

the man replies "i dont know, but i think i just beat the ((crap)) out of a ghost"
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Kahuna
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TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter

after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a
$26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence.

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two
hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside
his home. After firing ten tear gas ca nisters, officers discovered that the
man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out
and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun,
kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller
machines, wherein the k idnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so
he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a
robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When
detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your
money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My
wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this
her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard
King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun.Unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!

8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in
the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get
their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of
trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone
there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check
revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine,
the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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03Fanatic
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Some girls do actually read the general section....once in a while
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03Fanatic
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I suppose i can think of a joke

There were two guys in bar one night and this bar happened to be on the second story of a building. The one guy says to the other if you wait until 11 past the hour every hour and jump off that balcony the wind will pick you up just right and bring you right back up to the bar. The second guy tells him yeah right, go ahead and try it so he does. At 11 past the hour the first guy jumps off the balcony and magically he’s brought right back up into the bar. The second guy doesn’t know what to think so they sit there and have a few more beers and he tells the first guy to try it again. So at 11 past the hour the jumps off the balcony again and the same things happens, he does this one more time at eleven past the next hour and the same thing happens, by this time the second guy has had a few more to drink so he says okay I’ll do it. So at eleven past the hour he jumps off the balcony hits the cement and dies. The bartender looks at the first guy and says, Superman, you’re a mean drunk.
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nwsub
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Don't iron your 4-leaf clover.
You don't want to press your luck.
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UWroyal
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Two Hydrogen Atoms walk into a bar, one of them says "I lost my electron." The other one asked "Are you sure?"......."I am positive"
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Kahuna
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GO SENIORS

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year
old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored
to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds
needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no
longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed
personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must then
nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details ofhis/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompaniedby documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows: IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home .
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to
that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?


Your Humble Client
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Kahuna
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Why We Love Our Children!!!
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bw160
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a man and his wife were driving through minnesota when the man suddenly saw flashing lights in his miror. when pulled over the officer asks if he knew how fast he was going. his wife being very hard of hearing yelled, what'd he say, the husband yelled " how fast were we going" the officer then asked where they were headed and again the wife bellows" what'd he say" and the husbund responded " he wants to know where were going" finally the officer sees that they are from iowa and said, i dated a gal from iowa for a while, and she was horrible in the sack!! the wife a third time yells," what'd he say?"

the husbund then turns and yells back " he said he thinks he knows ya!"
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sweepsingle103
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3 Men get drunk one night at a party and they all go home and they all do different stuff on the way home.

The next day, they all got together and told their stories of what they did after the party.

The first man says "i was so drunk, last night, i blew chunks"

The second man says "thats not too bad, last night, i got so drunk, i got my first DWI driving home... and i was on a bike!"

The last guy goes "thats nothing, last night, i got so drunk, i got a hooker on the way home, and cheated on my whife... and she wasled in when we were doing it"

Then the first guy goes "no, you dont understand... chunks is my dog..."
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bw160
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woah, thats sick chubs!!!!!!!
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Behind the 8 Ball
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An old man was driving down the road after playing Bingo one night untill 11pm.
He was getting sleepy and accidently ran a stop sign sliding into a 21 year old in a sports car and a nice suit.
As they climb out of their cars, the younger guy starts yelling at the old man. Telling him he should not be driving, saying that he should watch where he was going, blah blah blah. The old man told the young man that he was sorry and would love to pay for the damages. The younger man agreed.
As they stood there waiting for the police to show up, the old man pulls out a bottle of Whiskey and tell the young man "since we are both free from injury, lets have a drink to a life of good health!" The younger guy agrees and take a big swig from the bottle. He tries handing the bottle back to the old man, but the old man says "No thank you, I will wait for the cops to get here!"
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MondaymorningQB
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My joke is listed below.
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MondaymorningQB
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There are three friends that have been friends for many years. One was from Poland, one was from Mexico, and one was an American. They ran a business together, and were quite successful. One day, in the local paper, they saw an advertisement for a contest about who could grow the world’s largest pet pig. The prize was one million dollars. All three of them thought that they could do it and win the prize money.

So they went out and found the largest pig they could buy locally, and bought it. Then they started thinking about how to make it as large as possible as fast as possible. After discussing it among themselves, they decided that not only were they going to feed this pig tremendous amounts of food, but they were not going to let it poop so that it would just keep getting larger and larger as it ate more food. They found a huge cork, and corked the pig’s butt so it couldn’t poop and started feeding it non-stop.

The day of the contest arrived, and the pig was so big that they couldn’t transport it to the contest site, so they arranged to have the contest judges come to the pig. Upon arriving, the judges could not believe how large this pig was. They immediately gave the award to the three friends. The three friends were absolutely happy about the money.

After the contest judges left, the three friends decided to go ahead and take the cork out so the pig could operate as normal. BUT, none of them wanted to do it for fear of getting covered in pig poop. So they decided to rent a trained monkey to do it instead.

The monkey arrived, and the trainer showed the monkey what they wanted it to do. So the monkey got in position behind the pig and awaited it’s signal. The man from Poland stood about 10 feet away behind the pig. The Mexican was a little more cautious, and decided to stand about 20 away behind the pig. The American was the most cautious of all the three friends and stood about 30 feet away from the back end of the pig. The signal was given to the monkey to pull the cork out.

the next thing they knew, they all woke up in the hospital. A news reporter came in and interviewed them one by one starting with the american. The reporter asked him if he could see what happened to the monkey he told her he covered his eyes. so she asked the mexican he said he was blinded by all the crap. so finally she asked the man from poland he started to cry the reporter asked him why he was crying he said " He tried put the cork back in and got buried in pig poo!"
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The Juggernaut
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Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands.

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."
The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."
"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went."

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on!"

So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
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nwsub
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Hugh Hefner takes so much Viagra that when he dies they're going to need an open casket.
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grizadams
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Ok this is a joke and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Lilmatdog died in a fire and his body was burned pretty bad. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two friends, Takethebite and Chruppy. The three had done everything together.

Takethebite arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Takethebite said, "yup his face is burned pretty bad better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over. Takethebite said," nope that ain't Lilmatdog."

The mortician thought that was strange.

Then he brought Chruppy in to identify the body. Chruppy said, "yea his face is pretty burned better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Chruppy said, "No, it ain't lilmatdog."

The mortician asked, "how can you tell?"

Chruppy said, "Well Lilmatdog had two A$$ holes."

"what? He had two A$$ Holes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two A$$ holes. Everytime we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Lilmatdog with them two A$$ holes."
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squezzed
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Now that is funny.... :lol: :lol: :lol:
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nwsub
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Have you been to Hooters lately?
The shorts they wear now are so short that they are now required to wear hairnets.
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